Building a Strong Muslim Family

Imagine a world where there are no families, no husbands and wives, no children, and no legal marriages. Will there be law and order in society? Would the concept of a family even exist? The answer is an obvious no. For this reason, Islam highly prioritizes building a strong Muslim family as the most blessed institution. In this article on Islam4U, we will explore the basics of an Islamic family, spouse selection, and the roles of men and women in married life.

The Basics of Family in the Quran

The Quran begins by telling us that Allah created men and women for each other so that they may find love and mercy among them:

وَمِنْ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَٰتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ ‎﴿٢١﴾

And of His signs is that He created for you mates from your own selves that you may take comfort in them, and He ordained affection and mercy between you. There are indeed signs in that for a people who reflect. (21)^[1]

This shows the spiritual status of human beings. They are not like animals where they only mate and create offspring. Humans have a lofty spiritual status that makes them very special. Allah tells us in the Quran that He made the human being superior to all of His other creations.

وَلَقَدْ كَرَّمْنَا بَنِىٓ ءَادَمَ وَحَمَلْنَٰهُمْ فِى ٱلْبَرِّ وَٱلْبَحْرِ وَرَزَقْنَٰهُم مِّنَ ٱلطَّيِّبَٰتِ وَفَضَّلْنَٰهُمْ عَلَىٰ كَثِيرٍ مِّمَّنْ خَلَقْنَا تَفْضِيلًا ‎﴿٧٠﴾‏

Certainly We have honored the Children of Adam, and carried them over land and sea, and provided them with all the good things, and preferred them with a complete preference over many of those We have created. (70) ^[2]

Therefore, the relationships humans have with one another are markedly different from other creatures. Allah says in the Quran that men and women are each other’s garments. They cover up each other’s faults and satisfy each other’s needs:

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ

They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.^[3]

Marriage in Islam

In the Quran, Allah introduces us to the concept of marriage in Islam. He speaks about the laws, conditions, and necessities of marriage. Marriage is what starts a family. It is the first step that every human being should take to build the family of their dreams. Without marriage, there would be no commitment, no chastity, no modesty, and the law of the jungle would be upheld. Those who are against marriage, calling it a limitation of their freedom, do not have a good grasp of law and order in society. Without marriage, there would be no families and chaos would reign. As a result, one of the basics of a family is without a shadow of a doubt marriage.

Some might say, “Okay, I can just stay with my girlfriend or boyfriend and live together happily.” Do they truly think such a relationship is strong? Why is it that we see so many unmarried couples break up after a short while? Will relationships be committed without any legal and written contract? If they have children, how will those children identify themselves when they grow up? As a result, all Western societies agree that marriage is a fundamental aspect of a family. Without marriage, family does not make sense. Even Westerners and youths who believe in having relationships with the opposite gender outside marriage agree that they must get married eventually to start a family.

Spouse Selection

As we mature physically and intellectually, we start feeling the need for a companion. A companion who would be our life partner is what everyone feels the need for when they reach puberty. Once again, Islam, the most comprehensive religion that is known to humankind, has a plan for selecting a spouse and beginning a marital relationship. Islam emphasizes that a Muslim must marry a Muslim. No matter how beautiful or handsome a non-Muslim may be, a Muslim must marry a Muslim. Then again, what kind of Muslim and with what qualities one must marry is also crucially important. The Quran clearly states that what makes a human being superior to another is not their race, skin color, ethnicity, financial status, or social class. It is a person’s level of taqwa, that is, Godwariness that is essential.

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ ‎﴿١٣﴾

O mankind! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you nations and tribes that you may identify yourselves with one another. Indeed the noblest of you in the sight of Allah is the most Godwary among you. Indeed Allah is all-knowing, all-aware. (13)^[4]

Of course, Islam doesn’t say that you should totally disregard your future spouse’s physical appearance. That is also important, but what is more important is their level of piety. Logic dictates that the person we choose as our future husband or wife must be compatible with us and more or less our equal. Therefore, a pious person must marry another pious person at the same or similar level of piety as them. If this issue is not taken into account, there will be incompatibility problems in one’s life. That is why the two sides must first speak with and get to know each other and learn about their personalities and conduct. Islam does not advocate blind marriages.

Are Men Better than Women or Vice Versa?

As we mentioned, the Noble Quran emphasizes that no gender, race, ethnicity, or tribe is better than another gender, race, etc. The only thing that makes someone better than others is their level of piety, that is, taqwa.

Therefore, in the Quranic worldview, no gender is superior to the other. Allah says that both believing men and women will be equally rewarded based on their beliefs and the good deeds they perform for Allah’s sake.

However, that does not mean that men and women are physically and psychologically equal. Our differences determine the differing roles that we must play in society, especially in married life. Can a man conceive and nurse children? No. A man does not possess the necessary physical constituents to conceive a child or nurse one. Only women can do that. These differences are only at the physical level. At the spiritual level, all human beings are equal. That is why our narrations state that the beloved and noble daughter of the Prophet (s), Lady Fatima (a), has a higher spiritual status than all the prophets before her father.

Consequently, it is possible for a woman who is more pious to be better than a man who is less pious and vice versa.

Roles and Responsibilities of Men in a Family

Married couples must play certain roles to ensure a happy marriage and successful family. Let’s begin with men’s role in a Muslim family. Allah has assigned certain duties to men based on their qualities and physical and psychological characteristics.

• Men are stronger than women physically and emotionally.
• They can withstand difficulties more than women can.
• In simple terms, men are like a firm pillar of the family on which the other members can rely.
• The man’s job is to provide for his family, starting with his wife and later his children.

وَعَلَى ٱلْمَوْلُودِ لَهُۥ رِزْقُهُنَّ وَكِسْوَتُهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ لَا تُكَلَّفُ نَفْسٌ إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَا تُضَآرَّ وَٰلِدَةُۢ بِوَلَدِهَا وَلَا مَوْلُودٌ لَّهُۥ بِوَلَدِهِۦ

And on the father shall be their maintenance and clothing, in accordance with honorable norms. No soul is to be tasked except according to its capacity: neither the mother shall be made to suffer harm on her child’s account, nor the father on account of his child.^[5]

• A man must work hard to earn a living and support his family financially and spiritually.
• A man must pay for the expenses of his wife and children.

If a man does not do the above, he is not fulfilling his duty and role as the husband and father of a family. A man who does not perform his duties and causes harm to his family is said to be “nashiz,” meaning a disobedient person who does not fulfill his duties. Such a man can be brought to account if he is being oppressive to his wife and family.

Roles and Responsibilities of Women in a Family

Women also have a role to play in a Muslim family in line with their physical and psychological makeup.

Women are much more emotional than men and display stronger emotions of love, compassion, sympathy, and concern. Allah has created them based on His qualities of beauty, mercy, love, and patience. These qualities are perfect for a wife and mother of a family.

Here is a list of the roles a woman should play in the family:

• It is the woman’s duty to fulfill the emotional and sexual needs of her husband.
• She must also be submissive and obedient to her husband who is her guardian.
• Of course, if a man wants unacceptable and sinful things from his wife, she is not forced to obey him.
• A woman’s moral duty is to take care of her husband and children to the best of her ability, such as by taking care of the house, attending to the other needs of her husband, and raising her children with all her heart and soul.
• She is never obliged to perform the household chores or even raise children.
• These are expected from her morally.
• The wife and mother of a family receives great rewards for her endeavors, which are far beyond her duty.

Nowadays, with the feminist movement, we are witnessing a shift from the roles of men and women. Women are being made equal to men, despite their physical and psychological differences. They say that women can play the same roles as men. However, this idea is fallacious. The physical differences between men and women inevitably mean that they must play different roles. For example, is it possible for a man to bear or nurse a child? How many women are willing to be construction workers or workers in a mine? Almost none of them or very few of them. These are things that relate to the physical characteristics of men and women. Yes, there are jobs that either gender can take, but certain jobs can only be done by either a man or woman and not both.

Children in a Family

Having righteous children is one of the things in which a Muslim family takes pride. Islam has a plan for raising children even before conception. First and foremost, Islam invites married couples to practice taqwa because it is not just the physical qualities of parents that children take after but also their spiritual qualities. Islam has instructed us what to eat before, during, and after conception. It has even told us how to engage in sexual intercourse, what one must avoid, and what one must do. Islam has told us how we should raise our children. In short, we must raise them in the most Islamic way. Children have a right over us, just we have a right over them. Our children learn from our actions more than our speech. If we treat them kindly, they will also learn to treat others kindly.

Children also have specific duties toward their parents. First, they must be good to their parents, just as the Quran has repeatedly stated in various verses. The Quran says children must not disrespect their parents even by making nonverbal exclamations:

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا ‎﴿٢٣﴾

Your Lord has decreed that you shall not worship anyone except Him, and [He has enjoined] kindness to parents. Should any of them or both reach old age at your side, do not say to them, ‘Fie!’ And do not chide them, but speak to them noble words. (23)

Respect toward parents is vital because they were the ones who brought us to this world by Allah’s leave, and they were the ones who raised us, provided for us, fed us, and did everything to promote our health, well-being, and prosperity. Children also have the duty of taking care of their parents when they get older. This is the least they can do to return their favor.

The Spiritual Aspect of a Family

The most important aspect of a Muslim family is spirituality. The members of a family must strengthen their connection with Allah and always do things that will please Him. As we said, piety is the most important trait a Muslim married couple should have. As a result, they must perform the obligatory acts and refrain from the prohibited ones. They must offer their daily prayers, fast during Ramadan, give zakat and khums, recite the Quran daily, and go on the hajj pilgrimage if they can afford it. Besides these, there must be a spiritual atmosphere in the Muslim family. When a person enters a Muslim’s house, they should feel the spirituality in that house. The house must be clean and tidy, there should be a feeling of peace and calm, and all members of the family must be engaging in halal activities.

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Conclusion

Islam values family above everything else. Family is so important that Islam has formulated a detailed plan for its establishment. Islam places a great deal of emphasis and importance on marriage. Marriage is the act that starts a family. Then comes the issue of spouse selection. We must choose a spouse who is similar to us in terms of piety. After marriage, men and women must know their roles. Men should provide for their families financially and spiritually. Women must satisfy the needs of their husbands, especially their sexual needs. Islam also has plans for raising children. The Quran tells us that we must respect and do good to our parents. In short, Islam has told us how to start a family from A to Z. By following the instructions of Islam to the letter, we can build a strong Muslim family.

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[1] Quran 30:21 (Qarai).

[2] Quran 17:70 (Qarai).

[3] Quran 2:187 (Qarai).

[4] Quran 49:13 (Qarai).

[5] Quran 2:233 (Qarai).